LIFE AFTER GENDER 

This is a “how to” article on how to “return” to your birth sex.

I feel like an asshole for even pretending to know anything about the subject of being “normal”

I have spent my entire life, battling with fitting into society. And failing at it more times that I can remember. I have distant memories about my 8^th grade classmates thinking I was weird, and giving me the usual crunched up noses over something I, Jack, had done to offend their delicate 14 year old sensitivities.

Then there is the painful memories of my first wife, sitting me down for long talks. Only to berate me for the criminal offense of “not knowing what I was feeling”

I never felt like I “fit” into my family, into my schools, into my marriages, or into my job situations, as long as I can remember, and here I am, telling you how the fuck to do it. How's that for ballsie?

I came out as a transsexual when I was 19. And eventually feel into a doctor that gave me estrogen. I began living full time “as” a woman at about 25, and had the full sex change at 36. I lived as a trans woman for the next 33 years. And only in the past three years returned to living as my male, birth sex.

And now that I pass as a man again, can I honestly say to you, that whether I was presenting as a young man, a woman, or now as an old man, none of this gender, cross living, bull shit, changed who I am inside. The “me” that I live in my mind, the me that I wake each day, the me that gets sick, the me that worries incessantly about work and bills and job shit. It matters not what manner, or style of gender clothes that I wore during the day. Or how butch for fem I presented myself to others as.

I have always been left lying in bed at night, saying my prayers and listing my many gratitude's, the “me” that exists beyond clothes, makeup, sex traits, and sexual attractions. I am still the weird kid from 8^th grade that others can't seem to understand or see. And it took me a lifetime of surgeries and pills to finally come to accept and understand this fact. Every where I go, no matter how I've dressed, is just me, Jack.

There are now so very many people how are trying to return to their birth sex, after trying to cross live as the other sex, that I feel it important to share some of my own, personal insights with you all.

When I finally admitted to myself that all this cross gender bullshit was too much for me, the first thing I had to do was stop taking the estrogen. I had been on it for so long that my body, in spite of always struggling to adapt to it. When I stopped cold turkey, it threw my body into a tails spin.

I had hot flashes several times a day, vomited for no reason, and my digestion and stools changed overnight. The wrinkles in my face, which the estrogen filled in for years, came bursting out, and I seemed to age 20 years overnight. The good news was that all that female like, baby fat slowly went away, and I was left with my mostly male muscles.

When I cut off my shoulder length hair, people in public immediately started to refer to me as “sir”. When this happened the firs time, I walked away laughing. Because I had stopped caring how others thought of me years before, and pronouns are the very last thing I give a shit about. There is no pronoun on Earth that refers to a goofy 8^th grader. And I'm good with that.

For those of you, now wanting to de transition from cross living, here is my simple advice.

1. Be gentile with yourself. Don't anticipate your social problems will work out over night.

2. Get more rest that usual. This damn pills the doctors give us, take a hell of a beating out on our bodies. And it will take for your body to once again find your equilibrium .

3. Slowly start exercising, walking, or hiking. Get outdoors in the sun. Get out of your room, away from the internet and out into nature. Part of the problem with being socially awkward is the fact that we tend to stay inside and away from sun and fresh air. Movement will help your body purge itself of the hormones and remember who and what it is.

4. There will be long term effects from all the pills and surgeries you've gone through. All traces of your trans life will not disappear overnight. For men, there will be some left over breast tissue, and femininezation of the face. And unfortunately for women, their vocal cords will have been changed forever. Please find patience for yourself, and the new/old changes you're going through.

5. Here is one of the harder things that you'll have to do when you de trans. Stop caring what other people think of you. There are hundreds of old sayings throughout history about this. But they all point to one, Universal truth. What other's think of you is meaningless.

6. It matters not if your neighbors, co workers, siblings, office manager, or other students or people on the subway's opinion of you, and how you dress or look. The only person's opinion of you that has ever mattered, is yours. It's that simple. And yet, it is the hardest thing to master since we are social animals, and depend emotionally and physically on others. Having people to talk and socialize with is a great aspect of our human world.

7. So, how do we draw a line between needing people who may think we are a weird 8^th grader, and yet, we deeply crave human interaction with people. The bottom line is that the world is a very very large place, and you can be your quirky self, your artistic self, your butch self, your fem/soft self, while not doping your body up with hormones and YES, still present as your birth sex, and find social acceptance. But you have to first accept yourself as you are. If you were born female, and now have de transed, present as a female, butch/assertive self and all. Accept yourself as you are, don't care about other's understanding of you, and get on with the business of living as you are.

8. The truth of cross gender living is that while we were all going ape shit over gender BS, the rest of your friends were getting on with the business of life. They were going to school and finishing their degrees. The were getting married and buying homes. They were working long hours at their first real job, and moving up the corporate ladder. And now that you are most likely nearing your thirties, you are ten years behind in stabilizing your life financially and structurally.

9. So, in addition to re adapting to fitting into society as your birth sex, you have to really hustle to find a career, job, and employment situation that will serve you as you head toward your forties. You might have to go back and finish your degree, or even change course completely and go into the trades. But now that you are not presenting as a cross sex diva, it will be some what... easier for you to get hired.

10. I would even go so far, that if offered a job, come out to the HR person about your de transitioning. Keep in mind, that you are not on the normal trajectory of an average man or woman. And the many experiences you had cross living will have had some impact on how you relate to others at work, and in social circumstances. Depending up the job, it might help you to have support of a HR, or manager by telling them, you are coming back home after a long gender voyage.

11. As for your body. I suggest you visit a regular doctor, not your gender affirmation doctor, to have your blood work done twice a year. You've put your entire endocrine system through a hella lot. And unfortunately, there may be long term health consequences of your cross living.

12. Lastly, you are not the same person that you were in 8^th grade. Nor are you the same person that once decided to cross live. You are a different animal now. And along with that comes new challenges and issues. We can't go back to being the body we once were. And if like me, a man without a penis, there are new things I have to contend with. It is this, getting use to the new normal, that can present all of us de transitioners with unforeseen challenges.

I hope some of this is helpful to you. If you can think of anything that would be useful to others for me to add, let me know.

renejax@renejax.com